I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
