I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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