It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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