so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
