I think I died a long time ago.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
