its not stalking. its research.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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