He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
