What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
