You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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