Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
