thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
