Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
