and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
