No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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