The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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