Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
