Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Randomize
