yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
