as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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