No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She's the barista slut.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
