So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
