I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
