How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
