I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
