Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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