Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Boobs speak an international language.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize
