1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
