i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
