i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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