So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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