I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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