why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
