Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
