my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
