One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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