One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
