O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Best friends brother. Beat that.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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