1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Come on in and take your pants off
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