I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
