Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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