Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
