Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
