really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
