he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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