So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
