I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
