Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
