You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i think i have herpe
just one?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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