She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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