I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
