I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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